What Your Team Says About You ..

Manchester United :

Glory hunter? Far from it. Aligning yourself with the only genuinely poncey team in the North of England is only for individuals who thrive in an atmosphere of simmering resentment and constant, violent abuse. Rarely will a day pass without accusations of a dispassionate, shallow affection for the club. Or of being a corporate bitch to a ruthless capitalist empire (a charge that’s difficult to deny when you own all four of that season’s replica away shirts).

A choice to follow Manchester United is akin to joining a sinister religious cult. Everyone you encounter will regard you with distrust and disdain, and feel that they have the right to voice their concerns loudly and angrily to your face.

If you win a match people will sneer and accuse you of devious KGB style conspiracy and intimidation. Your abusers will point to the fact that only a Paul Scholes tackle and a Rio Ferdinand urine sample arrive later than the final whistle at Old Trafford when United are a goal down.

Analysis:
A United fan enjoys a social challenge and thrives in a hostile environment. All the trophies in the world are no compensation for having your underpants stuffed with stinging nettles by a gang of bitter, 14-year-old, Nottingham Forest fans.


Arsenal :

The team of choice for the classic victims of ‘Only Child Syndrome.' Ask yourself this: As a youngster did your parents furnish you with the full collection of ‘Thundercats’ action figures including both versions of Mum-Ra? Did you strangely never get punished at school despite being less than well behaved? Was this because your dad was actually a school Governor? Are you grossly offended and hugely indignant at these accusations? Congratulations my friend, you’re an Arsenal fan.

Whereas the Man United fan knows that he/she has committed a moral crime and is forced to take the abuse on the chin (and usually to the face and groin as well) the Arsenal fan refuses to believe they have done anything wrong. No accusation can be levelled at a Gunner without them being willing to defend it to the death.

Even though they would sooner complete an unbroken sequence of thirty-five back-heeled passes in the opposition penalty box than score a goal, the Arsenal fan will only see their commitment to entertaining football. If anyone from Arsenal’s extensive catalogue of vicious bruisers scythes someone down with a throat high tackle, the Gunner will praise his side’s water-tight defence. You say: ‘Arsenal rely too much on Henry.’ An Arsenal fan will reply: ‘Does Christianity rely too much on Jesus?’ You can’t win with these people, don’t even try.

What Arsenal people tend not to take too well is criticism. They are sensitive souls and are easily wounded or angered. Beat one in a game of Pro-Evolution and be prepared to soon be wearing a Domino’s Mighty Meat as a cheesy bandana.

To be fair to them, some popular criticism of the Arsenal provokes justified annoyance in the typical Gunner. For example, how anyone can accuse Arsene Wenger of being a voyeur I don’t know. The man apparently hasn’t seen a single incident in a football match since 1997. He hasn’t even noticed Robert Pires’ ridiculous little beard otherwise he never would have let a man with such obvious comic tendencies take the team’s penalties. Didn’t Wenger actually used to wear glasses when he first arrived at Highbury? Maybe he lost them seven seasons ago but was too embarrassed to tell anyone?

Analysis:
Likes: Special Treatment. Unqualified praise. Escaping punishment. Throwing a tantrum.

Dislikes: ‘Being constantly victimised and persecuted just because we play brilliant football! We only play so many games on a Sunday because we are David Dein’s holy children and therefore the chosen people of the Football Association.’ =)


Chelsea:

Again to understand the mentality of the ‘Blue’ we must examine his childhood. This is the time in which the choice to follow a particular team is made. While your dad may have the authority to give you your name, that power thankfully doesn’t extend to his instructing you who to support. For anyone out there named Elvis, Buddy or Englebert this would have been an immense relief. Therefore that choice is yours alone to make and thus says a great deal about the kind of child you were and the kind of adult you will be.

To consider the character of the modern Chelsea fan we must cast our minds back to the rite of passage that is the childhood water fight. These epic bouts of organised combat were usually fought with water-balloons and not-quite-emptied washing up liquid bottles (a cunning tactic to blind your opponent with lemon scented suds). Sometimes someone would use a cheap plastic water pistol that emitted a pathetic squirt but could always be thrown as an effective grenade when it inevitably seized up. Others would invest in the latest Super Soaker, and while they would dominate the fight for as long as it was full, as soon as it was empty they would be subjected to universal bombardment.

Then there was the classic ‘Chelsea’ mentality. Some ruthless joker would produce the hosepipe. Faced with the prospect of an unstoppable range and unlimited ammunition, all the others could do was to skulk further and further away until effectively the game had dwindled out, or carried on elsewhere between the less-well-armed participants. Thus the Chelsea ‘piper was technically victorious but had alienated himself from the fun of the sport. Sound familiar?

Analysis:
People who like to get the actual sport and competition bit out of the way as quickly as possible so they can get on with the serious business of being triumphant. To be fair though, who’d say no to a Russian Billionaire, who’s third favourite yacht is bigger than your entire stadium? Grumble all you want, if Ivan Moneybagski came knocking at your club you’d stick two fingers up to the match itself and just watch the points column add up on Teletext.

Liverpool :

The classic Liverpool fan has lived a life full of surprise. Sometimes the surprise has been good. Sometimes less so. They are the children who would ask for a Sega Megadrive at Christmas and end up with a hairdryer. Similarly they may ask for a bag of cough candy twist at the sweet shop and be given the contents of the till. In short they never got what they expected as a child. Nothing was ever straightforward in the formative years of the ‘Pool fan.

Therefore following the Reds as an adult is the only realistic option. They brace themselves for a season of mediocrity in the league and wind up dusting off their best shell suits and dancing along the Mersey with the European Cup. They invest heavily in boxes of eggs and Google maps to the Chelsea training ground, only for Stevie G to decide that guaranteed glory and fabulous wealth just aren’t his cup of tea.

On the flip side though they must contend with the fact that when a big money England striker arrived at Anfield this summer it was Peter Crouch. While there is undoubtedly more to the big lad’s game than just his ‘Go-Go Gadget’ limbs, Michael Owen’s return may have been welcomed a touch more cheerily. Owen himself is the classic example of the Liverpool fan. One day he’s off to Real Madrid, feeding off the incisive precision and artistry of Zidane and Ronaldo. The next he’s hoping Shola Ameobi won’t clatter into him as they both go up for another big hoof from Titus Bramble. =)

Analysis:
The Liverpool fan is drawn to the peaks and troughs of life. They favour unpredictability and unexplained phenomena over the safety and certainty in life. As long as the club continues to consider bizarre facial hair to be a desirable quality in a £14 million forward, their thirst for chaos is likely to remain satisfied.


Enjoy boys and girls, courtesy of Goal.com .. http://www.goal.com/NewsDetail.aspx?idNews=100223&idSez=12