Football Icons

Champions magazine, the official magazine of the Champions League, has compiled a top ten with expert input from a bevy of tailors, none of whom was resonsible for Coventry City’s muchlamented all-brown kit.

1) THIERRY HENRY

Thoma Mahon, of Savile, as opposed to Skid Row, paid tribute to Henry’s inner confidence, which enables him to feel relaxed. Never knowingly seen in a Burberry shellsuit.

2) FABIO CANNAVARO

The Italy captain has turned out for Inter Milan, Juventus, Real Madrid and Dolce & Gabbana in an illustriously well-dressed career. Sadly, many of his Premiership counterparts believe D & G is something to do with ice-cream.

3) GENNARO GATTUSO

The inclusion of the AC Milan destroyer is a surprise, but he was credited with making interesting choices. Presumably, that is a euphemism for ditching the whistle-and-flute for the sartorial elegance of Animal, from The Muppets.

4) FABIO CAPELLO

Another intriguing selection, it is to be assumed Capello made the cut because, like most myopic continentals, he wears interesting glasses and has shiny shoes. That is the difference between Capello and Sven-Göran Eriksson, whose own short-sightedness only led to the look of a bemused geography teacher.

5) LUIS FIGO

The experts say Figo knows the look he wants and he received extra marks for his casual, slicked-back hairstyle. This is intriguing, given that the look he wants is evidently that of the Fonz, a mechanic who used to spend most of his time in the toilets before pitching up on Laverne & Shirley, and his hairstyle resembles tumble-dried road kill.

6) RIO FERDINAND AND WAYNE ROONEY

Best to let Ann-Sofie Back, the fashion designer, explain this controversial choice. “The one man representing the essence of a football player is Wayne Rooney. I love his bulldog face and bright red complexion. I would love to design for him and for Rio Ferdinand, too — I like his cruel mouth and Ursula Andress hair.” One thinks Rio should give the hair back and send his mouth out to do some charity work.

7) RIGOBERT SONG

The Galatasaray defender is the utility man of this line-up, capable of carrying off “bling, sleek suits, loud African print shirts and native jellaba robes.” However, that sounds less like a snappy dresser and more like someone who has been playing the hokey-cokey by the washing basket.

8) ANDRIY SHEVCHENKO

Question marks remains over Chelsea’s new boy. Can he make the transition from Milan, fashion capital of the world and home to his pal, Giorgio Armani, to London, capital of England and home to binge drinking and Marks and Spencer? Better in stripes.

9) ARSÈNE WENGER AND JOSÉ MOURINHO

Mahon says both dress as though clothes mean little to them, which seems an odd criterion to use for compiling this list. Interestingly, a metal replica of Mourinho’s coat has been made for the Lisbon Fashion and Clothing Museum. Sculptor José Coelho explained: “José Mourinho is a myth.” He then said Mourinho had a diamond inside him that “needs to be lapidated”. He could be out for several months.

10) DAVID BECKHAM

He is the man, if cross-eyed cross-dressing is your man bag. Mahon believes he has developed a more conservative eye with age, but you still can’t help concluding that Beckham would wear a Paisley bin-liner and a Damart balaclava if it got him on the cover of Marie Claire. “The ultimate fashion victim,” Alice Kodell, Eve magazine’s fashion editor, said.